It’s Tuesday. Do you know where your newsletter is? Right here, baby!
“I don’t know how you do it.” These seven words (yes, I counted) are gratifying every time I hear them. Two kids, a full-time job, and no partner—the stuff Wonder Woman is made of.
That’s not true at all. But, it does feel good to hear those words. At least I’m honest.
I had a funny conversation with my dad about school recently. My stepmom is an education advocate. She’s the reason my brother and I went to college, basically. My mom and dad are creatives. They promoted a good education, but school wasn’t a topic at home.
At lunch, my dad asked me what Emma was learning (when school was in session). I said, “I don’t know.” He said, “You don’t know. She’s your daughter. Don’t you think you ought to know?” I said, “Did you know what I was learning in school, ever?” He said, “Never.” I said, “Exactly.” We both laughed.
School has its benefits, but I’m far more interested in whether my kids are expressing themselves, feeling feelings, are stable, happy-ish—and connecting with peers. These are the qualities that mean more to me than anything else.
Have you heard of unschooling? I’m not deep enough into the movement to have much to say, other than that it exists and its philosophy is fascinating:
Unschoolers learn just like you or I learn as adults: based on what interests them, figuring out how to learn it on their own, changing as they change, using whatever resources and learning materials they find, driven by curiosity and practical application rather than because someone says it's important.
Write of Passage, where I work, is alternative education. Permission to obsess over your interests by writing in a cohort-based learning environment. This is incredible for adults. It’s an unlearning of sorts.
The adults we’d produce if we encouraged kids to obsess over their unique interests would be extraordinary.
This is your permission to obsess! Go down a rabbit hole (or two). It’s good for you, especially if you write about it. No pressure.
More On Ed
This tweet comes from a former elementary school teacher now in the progressive education industry. She’s also a former Write of Passage student.
Ana used her voice, interests, and writing to connect with ways to transform education. What’s cool is this opportunity came to her because she wrote about her interests, and the Internet matched her with like-minded people (as it does). That’s one of the magical things about the Internet.
Ana Fabrega, from fed-up school teacher to Chief Evangelist at Synthesis, an Elon Musk-affiliated school. Education comes in all shapes and sizes.
It’s time to move on to love.
Final note, there are brilliant teachers and excellent schools out there. Generally speaking, the industry needs a reboot.
Love
One of my readers asked me to explore love in a future issue. I presume he knows I’ve been around the block a few times. Having gone from young to married to mother to divorcee to single to dater to committed to solo to now.
My reader’s question:
Q: How “scientific” (for lack of a better word) should people be in evaluating a potential partner? What kinds of things should be discussed and shared in the pre-commitment stage?
A: For starters, let’s eliminate the word “should.” It’s shameful, have I taught you nothing?!
Now, Dear Reader, Here’s what I know about partners:
First encounters say a lot. Not the whole story, but the quirks you notice on day one are the quirks you’ll notice on day 1,000 (multiplied by 1000)—they grow. The early days are a brilliant microcosm of what you can expect going forward. Yes, everyone’s on “their best behavior,” but still, you’ll learn a lot if you’re paying attention. On time? Kind to strangers? Patterns in speech. Their “story.” You can learn an awful lot about what’s ahead if you listen. Do you like what you see, hear, feel, smell, etc.?
Are you relatively equal in key areas? Keep in mind the word relatively. You needn’t be matchy-matchy, into the same sport, industry, etc. But, the more significant the disparity in major areas, the bigger the issues you have ahead.
Balance is beautiful. I hope every relationship has it, but if you’re a dog and she’s a total babe, you’ve got trouble. If she makes millions and you’re a couch potato, trouble. If she grew up with abundance and you grew up with scarcity, trubs. “Opposites, but equals” is a fine choice. Just avoid unequals.Are you aligned on values? If she’s a personal growth enthusiast and you’ve never done work on yourself, it’ll never work. You’ll grow in different directions at different speeds. Enter disparity (see above). Don’t even try to decide how you’ll parent together—it’s impossible to predict. A look at your partner’s family life (past), is a good indicator of what you can expect from them. If they’ve done work and decidedly shunned practices, they hated from their childhood, that’s great. They’re aware! On the whole (there are many exceptions), people repeat the behavior modeled for them by their parents.
More on values and alignment, there are infinite values one might have. Just be sure to align enough on those. It’ll make the time you spend together collaborative rather than divisive.
Finally (though I could go on and on), if one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, it will never work happily. Most couples know this is a deal-breaker. I’m confirming it.
If parties are aware, I recommend sharing your triggers, quirks, greatest fears, etc., so each of you knows what to help the other through when it arises—because it will! Again, work together.
Thanks for stopping in for dating advice. It’s one of my favorite topics.
Kind Reader, do send updates from the wild. Cheers!
Scissors to the Wardrobe
Emma cut her tights into leg warmers so she could get the look of knee highs without wearing full legs.
Proud-mom moments.
When she alters her clothes, it tells me she’s solving problems and feeling creative.
“I’ll have what she’s having!”
My First Cacao
I’ve never experienced a cacao ceremony. Have you? I did, however, enjoy my first cup made by someone who knows how to prepare cacao—so it was kind of a ceremony.
I’ll share with you what I’ve learned since sipping my first adult hot chocolate:
The good stuff—ceremonial cacao—is not at the grocery store. Obvi! I had a feeling, but it was all I could find. So I bought two bags from Whole Foods and brought them as a hostess gift to a cacao-loving home. Very gracefully, the homeowners confirmed my fear—that crap is not what cacao-people drink.
A cup of cacao is like a mix of coffee and adult hot chocolate. Therefore, I’ll be making it at home on repeat.
Since last week's two-person ceremony, I placed a proper cacao order from Endorfin Foods. Three bars.
I plan to do as I do with most things: Have a general sense of what’s going on and wing the rest. A Heath mug, a chunk of cacao, a dash of cinnamon, maybe some ghee, a splash of oat milk, maybe some honey.
Maybe you’d like to create a ceremony of your own.
I have dreams of sending you my first draft as my final draft someday. It sounds freeing and frightening to ship whatever the f comes out of my mouth. Maybe one day. I can’t believe you made it this far. You’re a ⭐️!
Great advice on love 💕.
Looking back on 40 years of marriage - and reflecting on your shared wisdom - I realize we did did a lot of things right.
Greeks used the noun agape and the corresponding verb agapao to describe a more unconditional love rooted in behavior toward others without regard to their due.
What I’ve learned: Love is not how we feel about others. Love is how we behave toward others.
I loved the dating advice. It made me recall with horror the exes I had considered marrying. Must save for the day Oona and Adi bring people home. I might share this with them anyway. Also spent a great deal of time on the Endorfin site. We were in Switzerland recently and learned a lot about the history of chocolate so this letter brought it full circle. Thanks Simone!