The Issue With Love
Issue 71
Dear friends, family, and utter strangers, Happiest Valentine’s Day to you. The darn holiday that means nothing, but celebrates something sort of nice, is finally over. Let’s move…
If you picked up on the wordplay in this issue’s subject line, we’re Valentines. 💘
Wordplay is foreplay as you age. If you’re over forty, it probably makes you weak in the knees. If you’re over ninety, well, you’re basically dead. Kids can engage in the art, but it certainly doesn’t jazz them the way it does us. I got verification I was mothering properly when Emma came home from tutoring, telling me her tutor smelled bad. “Julie smells bad?” I asked. “Yes, she’s a tooter.”
My work is done. She’s brilliant.
In a super subject change, two years ago tomorrow I stopped drinking alcohol. That’s 720 days with nothing more than a couple of sips a year. In an excerpt from an essay I wrote eight months into my alcohol-free life, I share a few of the benefits I encountered in the first 243 days:
Eight months in, I’ve learned that cognitive dissonance, lost time, and stagnation were a few of the side effects I was imbibing with my cocktails. Today, no longer sober-curious, but sober and curious, I’m reaping innumerable benefits.
Deep down, I knew I wouldn’t own my brilliance until I challenged this habit. I knew because I’d read books and highlighted quotes like this one, which spoke a truth I wasn’t yet speaking.
“I realized to my horror that I’d become one of those people who were stagnating creatively and covering it with addictions.” —Gay Hendricks, The Genius Zone
I don’t fancy myself an alcoholic, rather a habitual drinker; a mom on a slippery slope, using cocktails as crutches.
If you’re interested in the full essay, drink it in here. If you have questions about my experience, which could become your experience, shout. I’m all ears.
Get this: The easiest way to stop drinking is not to put alcohol in your mouth. I’m sorry to sound trite. The simple truth is hard to swallow.
Grab a cup of tea, and let’s proceed…
Tea Minus
If you’re not a tea person, I get it. Tea people are such tea people (snore). But if you like Thai iced tea, you’ll love this Thai hot tea. Stephen makes it for me with oat milk and honey (from his bees 🐝).
Another great tea—omg, I’m a tea person!—Stash decaf Earl Gray also with oat milk and honey.
One with caffeine. One without. Try them. They’re yum!
Put Me In, Coach
You may have heard (unlikely until now) I’m dialing up the coaching arm of my business. You coach? I do. Coach what? You. Who? You. Why? Because I’m good at it. And I love it.
A relationship coach (that’s me) works with people on their relationships—relationship to self, partners, others, career, and everything else that orbits our world. So much is possible when someone holds up a mirror for us.
I thought we could all learn something from a recent text inquiry I received from a client (I added Dear Silverstein for effect):
Dear Silverstein,
I don’t know what I want, but I know I don’t want my relationship to feel the way it does now—which is more like a friend than a lover. There’s a layer of distance I just don’t like. What I don’t know is whether this is just a normal human ebb and flow or whether this is her pattern. If it’s her pattern, I don’t think I’m interested.
Dear Ebb & Flow,
Rest assured, this behavior is normal when one or more people haven’t committed to the relationship or are having second thoughts. Something’s adrift and you know it. Rather than wonder, guess, or assume (when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me), I suggest you share the way you’re feeling with your lady.In doing so, state the facts about your feelings, not the insecurities behind them. “I sense distance between us. It feels bad for me. I imagine it feels that way for you, too. If you’re open to sharing your experience, what’s going on for you, I’d like to hear it. Whatever it is, I can take it. Good, bad, ugly. I want to understand you, not fear you.”
Does saying something like that make you want to die? Good. Say it.
Another thing, I notice the last sentence in your note is about her patterns. Flip a uey. Bring the energy back to you. Your feelings mustn’t be contingent on hers. Sure, you’d feel more secure if she were showing up differently. But she’s not. She’s showing up just as she is, and it’s uncomfortable. You can work with your discomfort seperate from her. That’s a fair approach.
You can even say, proactively, “I care about you a lot. I notice I’m feeling insecure about our relationship and I think it would serve me to go inward for a bit and see where this discomfort is coming from. Would you mind holding?” Trouble is, I’m not a fan of taking breaks, so this leaves us in a quandry. What to do? Book a session with me and we’ll iron this out live—couples coaching is remarkably effective.
Shall we?
Word Nerd: When to Use Inquiry and Enquiry
Rejoice! They can be used interchangeably. I love when that happens.
They both originate from the same Latin word, meaning to seek.
– Inquire means to seek information informally
– Enquire means to ask in a general way.
Meet My Valentine
Sending you all copious love today and every day. Thank you for being on the receiving end of The Letter. I’m grateful for your presence (and presents :) Simone
great letter as usual- you look very happy!