The Struggle Bus Is Departing
Issue 62 is on time
I write to you from Starbucks — public bathroom, daycare, waiting room, co-work, and finally, coffee shop.
Today, I meditated for the first time in what feels like a decade. A noisy 30 minutes of perfection signaling I’m returning to myself after months of bumps. The bumps will be back. That’s how life works. The smooth-as-silk road will, too. That’s how life works. 50/50, folks. If you believe it’s anything but — you’re fooling yourself. And I love fooling myself!
Accepting the 50/50 reality allows you to tip the balance 49/51 because you’re not resisting the bumps. When it’s hard, when you’re wondering, “Why me?” remind yourself, “This is nature. Half and half. All is right.”*
Hey, be totally and completely pissed. Just don’t sprinkle resistance on top. Enjoy.
*I’m not minimizing your struggles. They are real!
Poll Time
The last issue was a gift guide. What did you think?
My Hair. Care.
My hair is longer than it’s ever been. Here’s why you care:
Until recently, my identity wore short hair. I received copious compliments on my ability to rock the cut while I skirted the feeling of it swallowing my neck like a hair turtleneck, and spent relatively no time getting ready. Short hair was my jam.
Sometimes I’d grow it out. It never took long before I got fed up and chop it off. The last time I had short hair, I questioned how true it was that I was a short-haired lady. What if I could be whatever I wanted? And, so, I began growing my hair, and it’s still growing. No easy feat, I tell ya, for a slow-hair-growing woman like me. Not easy at all.
Today, as I feel the first signs of hair touch my upper back, the urge to chop it off is gone. I’ve worked hard for the length. Instead of cutting it off, I put it in a bun.
What story are you holding onto that’s begging to be rewritten?
New Year, Old Fun
I look forward to bringing back a habit I once had — drawing and puns. I made these cards 15–20 years ago. Their quality is poor because I don’t have the originals, but their spirit is rich.
Which skill of yours is lying dormant?
ADHD
It’s a big topic in my home. I have it. Owen has it. Emma doesn’t (their dad doesn’t). When you have two kids, and one has ADHD, it’s obvious they’re different animals. Very.
To know me is to know I believe in diagnosing and labeling (if you must call it that) a child with ADHD. While it’s scary for many, the alternative is scarier. Children grow up being told they're bad, to stop doing this or that, to wake up, to be more of this and less of that, and on and on and on. The damage done here is not to be minimized.
You’ve heard of representation. Races, genders, abilities, disabilities — when we hear of people like us, we feel seen, understood, and far less shameful. Representation and advocation matters.
If you’re in a non-ADHD household or you’re new to the topic, ADHD behavior looks like a choice. Trust us, it’s not that rational.
Also, families without the “disorder” are you’re becoming a minority. Like gluten intolerance, ADHD is everywhere (hello, chemicals in our food, water, air, and environment + technology).
If it feels like we’re overdiagnosing ADHD, we are. There’s more of it!
I’m no doctor, which may surprise you, but I know a lot about the subject. Despite my interest and experience, I’m blindsided by it daily — in myself and Owen.
I want to share with you several things I know to be true. The more people understand ADHD, the more kids get help. Amen!
There’s a giant misunderstanding about the way ADHD presents itself. To most, ADHD is about focus (or lack thereof). That’s part of it, but there’s much more.
ADHD can look like any cocktail of the following: lack of focus, hyper-focus, hyperactivity, inactivity, overwhelm, highly emotional, reactive, unable to sleep, combative or argumentative, disorganized, forgetful, late, procrastination, messy (the rooms!), forgetful, short attention, intuitive, impulsive, speedy, sensitive to noise, smell, taste, and texture (but not all, mind you). Shall I go on?
It’s hereditary. If one of your parents (or if you as a parent) have ADHD, it’s far likely you and one of your children will too. In my family: My dad, me, and Owen. When he has children, I’ll remind him they have a higher likelihood of ADHD — no worries, we’ll just keep our eyes open.
ADHD-ers live in the present. Most of us aren’t thinking about the future in any real way. We’re spontaneous. Intuitive. We do our best work in the moment.
Though we’re skilled at juggling thoughts — lots and lots and lots of thoughts — please only give us one task at a time.
ADHD brains are very creative. We see the world “differently.” Our solutions and points of view reflect that.
Channeled productively, the ADHD brain is brilliant.
Boys show up as hyperactive, more overtly than girls. While girls suffer more quietly from racing thoughts and anxiety. Yes, this is a sweeping generalization based on my experience. I don’t have any on gender fluidity and ADHD.
Probably one in every three to four kids has ADHD (I could Google it, but why not guess :).
ADHD is often accompanied by depression and anxiety. And it’s not uncommon to see dyslexia alongside ADHD.
Children who go undiagnosed and untreated suffer far more than necessary. Help exists. Resources are below. I guarantee someone in your life would benefit from you knowing more.
I believe in medication combined with talk or other therapy. If you don’t, try not to run away from what scares you. Learn. Keep the idea in your toolbox. And remember, trying anything with a skilled doctor's help for a time is rarely bad.
It seems I could go on forever, doesn’t it? Alas, you’ve had quite enough preaching for one newsletter.
ADHD Resources for You and Yours
The ADDitude Podcast
Shout if you have questions. I’ll see what I can offer. ❤️
Watch This
I don’t zone out on television much. Recently, I installed a TV in my bedroom to up my intake (said nobody but me). Since then, a few shows have held my attention:
Stutz: Johan Hill interviews his psychiatrist. Just watch it.
The White Lotus: Season two just wrapped. Start at season one. A total joy (but also not). Just watch it.
Little Big Boy: Nick Kroll’s stand-up special. To know me is to know I mostly watch stand-up. This one is good.
Can I ask you my favorite question to ask friends with ADHD
Do you think I have ADHD
the fact you don't remember the name of your cat might be my favorite anecdote in the newsletter ever. what does that say about me?